| I'm at a weird point in my life. I am heading to Temple next year, with loans in my name. My major is theatre, and I don't know if that will change. I have no idea what I want to do anymore. I mean, I know I want to stay in the theatre/communications realm, and that temple probably won't be a bad place for me to be at all if thats what I want to do... but I dunno. I always thought that I'd get to Broadway or bust. I don't know. It's all very confusing and I think the best attitude to have is to be open minded and try not to worry. Worrying will get you know where.
So tonight was interesting. I didn't get to work because Nicole flaked out on me, so I headed over to get some track in. I hurt my wrist, so that doesn't feel good. But I threw a lot better in javelin. I regret not starting track till junior year, and only going 3 days a week. I could be in such better shape. Coulda shoulda woulda.
Mr. Steltz is a very interesting character. The man hitch-hiked to Alaska and around the country at age 22... he's so poetic and.. I can't even explain it. He is captivating, and humble, and natural and down to earth. The way he holds his hands, and the socks he wears with holes in them... the walking shoes he always wears, as if any day he could up and hitch a ride and start hiking across america all over again. He is a beautiful person and I am so thankful to have gotten to know him this year. He was one of the best things about Senior Year.
I've gotten a lot bolder in terms of my relationship with Don Preston. I'm not timid like I used to be... I walked right up to him today and told him how I missed him and was going to call him and make him feel better about jury duty. I think he really liked that... later on in the hallway he practically screamed in my face "See Ya Monday!" with that preston grin that spreads all over his face, into his eyes, into his wrinkles. He's definetely a little rougher around the edges than Pauly, but he is adorable. I wonder what it will be like to not see him every day, after 6 years.
So tonight. Tonight I met up with Scott @ The Ritz Sixteen to see Spiderman 3. I was so nervous. I thought... I don't know what he thought. I was worried of saying something stupid, or having him be disappointed in the way I looked. I didn't want awkward silences. But it turned out better than I ever expected. He's a big boy, but is one of the nicest people I have met in a while. He was really sweet, and thought I was funny. (I laughed at a few inappropriate times in the movie... so did he.) It was a really nice time. Then I got pulled over for running a red light and got my first ticket. Geez. It was so stupid, I didn't mean to. But he gave me one that doesn't put points on my license and only costs 54 dollars.. as opposed to a hundred or more dollars. If I send a money order I'm pretty sure that my parents won't have to find out. Ugh. This is my life.
At least it's interesting. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| Dear Jeffrey,
I don't quite know why I freaked out. The truth is that sometimes I want to beat the shit out of you, in a loving sort of way.
I think I still harbor a lot of anger against you. You've done some really shitty things and I don't think its actually ever been dealt with. Theres a lot of damage in me that is because of you, and I think I'm so absolutely freaked that you're going to disappoint me that if the ball remotely enters your court, I lose it. I feel like the only way we can be friends is if I hold the ball; I am in control.
This is all very unhealthy on all sides. You and I are unhealthy, at present. I keep saying that I don't know what you want from me, or why you want to be my friend... but the truth I think, is that I don't know what I want from you. I don't know how you benefit me... what a friendship with you would do for me. I have to start doing things for me and my well being and not just for the sake of other people. I need to be appreciated for the person that I am. I deserve great things. Does that mean I am perfect? No. Sometimes I am a huge bitch, like when I yelled at you over the phone. That just wasn't nice and was an impulsive nasty thing I did. I apologize. But I do think I had somewhat of a point. I'm confused as hell in my life right now. Here's the honest truth: I guess I am scared you will disappoint and hurt me again. We have a messy track record... dating, friends, whatever. We are ill fit. Maybe its not good for me to be around you. I don't want to date you, but sometimes I still want you to throw me down on your bed. That can't be a healthy thing, now can it? The point of all this is that I don't know what I want. I'm confused and scared, and I didn't mean to be so snappy. I'm trying my best to get some kind of understanding in the situation.
Sometimes things are okay with you and me. Sometimes things are great. And sometimes things are really, really shitty and frustrating and annoying. I don't know how to resolve it, or if I really should in the first place. Let me know your thoughts on the matter I guess. I mean, its been 4 years of this stuff. Maybe I'm overthinking a lot of things. But maybe I'm not. I dunno. I've never been more confused in my entire life. My world is changing and I'm trying desperately to stay afloat. Just understand that, okay jeffy? :P | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Tonight was the last night of my last high school musical ever. I can't even fathom that. I love everyone so much and can't even think about how much I will miss everyone. A huge part of my heart will be left with all of you, and with the spirit of what was Once On This Island. This was probably the best high school cast I have been in. Everyone was truly a family... you made me feel loved and accepted in a way that I've probably never felt all through high school. I can not thank you enough for that. This has been an incredible ride, and you all worked so hard. The love I have for all of you is immeasurable, and unending.
Ryann Burke- I freakin love you. "big mamma". You are so smart and level headed and gorgeous. You're one of those amazing people... I can't even explain how much your friendship means to me. You are a sister I never had.
Sarruh- I freaking love you girlie. I want to know you better. You're so sweet.
Britny- Aaaah we're seniors! Thank you for holding my ribbon and being supportive. You're freaking awesome, and a great singer and dancer.
Shannon- What can I say? You're such a beautiful person. I really do love you, and I will miss your outbursts and your humour immensly. Stay true to who you are, I know you will.
Lizzzzz- You're freaking adorable. You're so loving, I'm really glad we became friends. You are a fantastic performer.... keep those soprano II's in line!!
Steph- You proved to us all how sassy you could be! It was great being a God with you, I wouldn't have had it any other way. You are very talented, I am jealous haha.
Hannah
Lord. As soon as we sang that last "Tell the storyyyyyyy" and the lights went down, I started bawling. Then out of nowhere, the lights came right back on, Dennis was like "SANDIIII" and I had to try and muster up a happy face and dance offstage to do bows. Lord I've never cried so hard, and I am not the crying type. At least I never used to be. Emily, Lauren, Erin, Julie... God all you senior girls... I can't believe we did it. Its so unbelieveable. It really hasn't sunk in yet. Art and I had a kind of half hug. It was interesting. Oh my goodness I'm scarcely able to have coherent complete thoughts at this point. Oh Joey!!! Matt and Dennis... it was so much crazy fun! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Today I started a new job. I now work at The Beauty Lounge on haddon ave across from radio shack and dunkin donuts. Nicole Wood owns the shop and she's a model/make up artist/ex playboy playmate. (She was miss april 1993.) It's quite different from coldstone. A lot pinker, fuzzier, and smellier. I basically have to answer the phone, book appointments for facials and waxes and such, clean and organize the store, and ring up merchandise. The clientel are more upscale, her services and stuff isn't cheap. I feel pressured to act and dress a certain way when I'm there. I mean, I want to be put together and cute every day. But thats just not the real me. Sometimes I like bumming it in a sweatshirt and sneaks. I don't really fit in with all the beauty stuff I guess. Or maybe I do and I just need to get used to it. Perhaps I'm not organized enough to be a beauty product person. It's weird, and I suppose I just have to get in touch with the pink, smelly, lotiony, make-upy, pretty, fuzzy side of me. The point is i'm making money and the hours pretty much work really well with my schedule. Having a source of income is very nice, because I am poor. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| You told me you were lonely but happy. I feel the same way. Like, I am happy with where I am in life. I'm doing alright. But I am lonely. And I can't shake the feelings I have for you. And I don't depend on you for happiness. I feel like we could be good together in whatever capacity we could be. I mean, we are good friends. We have good conversations. We know each other well. But there is still a lot that you can learn about me. And we have chemistry. We do. I want to hold you and kiss you and... I want you. And I'm sure this is bad timing because we never have good timing. Well screw timing. Life is too short and if I don't at least tell you that I believe we could be something great and just how I feel about you, the time really will have passed. I don't want to wait until you're involved with someone else and you stop talking to me all over again. That really hurt my feelings. I mean... no matter what we are friends. Good friends. I just feel that we could both benefit from trying to be more than friends. It's just a thought. I really care about you that way. I want to make you happy. And, I want to make me happy too. I am happy, but you would be an extra bonus. We could be good for each other, and I think its worth a chance. I never really knew what stopped you in the past. Was it that you really didn't think we'd fit well or was it something else making you second guess? I would not think so hard. It's just a feeling. It could be nothing. But it could be something great. You have nothing to lose. I am your biggest fan and supporter no matter what. I just feel like I could be someone who is a physical part of your life.
I don't know if I'll ever tell you these things. I don't know, maybe I'll write a letter or have the guts to tell you in person. Either way, I'm sure I'll embarrass myself and scare you away and such. I've already lost you, I think. But if that's true, I have to know so I can stop thinking about you like this. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I'm in love with you. I feel a lurch in my chest whenever you talk to me. We're so similar and it kills me when you tell me that you've realized that youre a lonely person and disconnect yourself from having a relationship and want to fix that. It kills me because it gives me this false hope that you could ever love me back. It's terrible. Although, this feeling makes me feel alive. I thank you for that. I fear that nothing is worse than going through life indifferent. My love for you has many powers that you will never know. It's something to wake up for, and something to dream about. If we don't have dreams, then what do we have?
I know what love is.
I'm either happy, or in love. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| So, here's an update. I have yet to find my class ring. However, Mother and I had a glorious weekend of shopping which resulted in precisely 4 pairs of jeans, 2 pairs of brown shoes, 2 pairs of sneakers, a brown top and an awesome Doors tee. I also had some shorts made for the first day of school. It's also been strange the past few days. I cleaned my entire room and got rid of a lot of stuff (Trying to find my ring,) and didn't really leave the house for several nights. Then Jeffrey called me drunk and we ended up having an argument or a conversation that was thoroughly confusing and I should have just hung up on him when I realized he was intoxicated. I don't really have a ruling on the case of Jeffrey vs. Sandi's life. He wants to be a part of it and I don't really know if that's what is best for me. What positive input does he have on me? Should I just go cold turkey? I've tried that, and he finds me. Somewhere, somehow, he pops back into my life. I don't know what to do. I just want to avoid the situation because I believe there isn't a situation to begin with. There shouldn't be, at least. God, now I'm confusing myself again. Anyway, senior year starts in a few days. I have yet to write my paper. I know its supposed to be one of those papers where there is no "wrong" answer, but honestly, if there is a "wrong" answer, I will surely write a paper about it and recieve a poor grade. That's my luck. It happens to me all the time.
On the brightside, I owned an SAT practice test the other day. It felt nice I guess not to be a totally braindead teenager.
Seussical starts tuesday, God give me strength. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Today was Jack's 16th birthday. Whoopie. Anyway, a few things have happened. I made Mark a photo album and dropped it in his mailbox along with a cd I had borrowed from him a zillion years ago. I thought it'd be nice to have for him when he left in the morning. A few hours later:
"... I know that very recently we haven't been as close as we have been in the past, but you've been a very good friend, and I want you to know that I really appreciate everything. Thank you, rock senior year hard, and I hope that I'll be seeing you soon."
This was more than I could ever have asked for in response to a photo album. For him to tell me that meant a lot to me, even though I told him that anything he said I already knew.
I've realised a theme to my life... or perhaps maybe only to this summer. Either way, I've decided that a theme of sandi is validation. I am constantly, contantly seeking achievement and validation of that achievement. I love praise, because it maintains sanity. Believing in oneself is only half of it for me... I crave other people giving me the thumbs up. I guess I like being right... but also knowing that my efforts are not in vain.
Michael admitted to me that he had a crush on me at the same time I liked him. Go figure. This is yet another theme of my life: Bad timing.
However, a spark of good luck: I've been cast as a Bird Girl in Mainstage Center For The Arts' production of Seussical. Justin Reamy is playing Horton, and he's a big fan of me. I'm flattered, and excited, and also worried about how insane my schedule for September will be. Eegads!
Tomorrow is the last day of band camp. Huzzah! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Today was an interesting day in many aspects. I woke at around ten in the morning and slipped into my bathing suit to go get some early morning sun by the pool. I then realized that there was a pre-band camp dance team practice scheduled for noon today. I begrudgingly got redressed and drove myself (Top down, Cake - The Distance blasting, in traditional Sandi fashion,) to grand old HTHS. Practice was hard, hot, and musty, but felt good after a long, lazy summer. I'm not a huge fan of being girly, and it is clear that i'm not the typical dance team member, but I try my best to get along with everyone. We'll see how long it takes for sparks to fly and things to fall apart with the team. I sure hope they don't, I doubt I will be the one to cause conflict. Anyway, after practice I decided to grab some lunch at the eden that is Wawa, and as I was paying for my half gallon of Green Tea and sandwich (still decked out in dance gear, mind you,) when I hear a familiar voice call "Sandi Nary". There he is, Mark Michael Sherlock standing in front of the automated teller machine in his traditional garb: gray nike t-shirt, khaki cargo shorts and black faded new balance sneaks. Casually, yet vomiting my exact thoughts aloud I reply, "Mark Sherlock. I haven't seen you all summer, and I'm all sweaty and gross from dance team. This is great." Oh, how incredibly suave, aloof, and sexy I am. But instead of behaving in a shy and insecure manner, I struck up chummy conversation as if we had no bad, awkward history whatsoever. "Wow I can't believe I haven't seen you all summer...You're leaving friday? Wow, that's crazy." Which of course, translates into : "I haven't seen you all summer because your crazy fugly girlfriend doesn't let you talk to me, even though we were best friends up until you started dating her. You're leaving friday? Well, that's depressing, I missed you..." I didn't let on any of those latter emotions. I was witty, charming, and totally made up for my slightly sweaty, exhausted disposition. He seemed pleased enough to see me, at least I caused him to fumble with his atm usage. I asked what he was up to. He said he had failed at fridge shopping and was going to end up renting one. In the meanwhile, he was going to go and buy pens. I informed him that I, in fact, happened to be a pen expert. I asked if he would like company to Staples, and he accepted. I ran my hoagie and drink home, and we took a nice drive to the office supply store. The half hour we hung out this summer will probably be a highlight for me. It was short, but sweet, and isn't that ideal, really?
Jeffrey, on the other hand, is a totally different romantic history. Now we're friends, and I think I'm okay with it. I just checked the Mainstage website and apparently, I should have known that I was awarded a callback since the day after I auditioned. I'm second on the list, and if I didn't happen to come by the site I would have never known to show up tomorrow night at 6:30. Boy, I'm stupid. So, I called Jeffrey to gab about it, and he was in an awfully depressed mood...one I've never witnessed before. He spoke very quietly and sounded like he was at his absolute breaking point. He sounded almost as if he could start crying at any moment. He talked about how his parents fight with him almost every day, about how they don't understand him and want him to grow up. Jeff Berry is, in fact, Peter Pan. I've known this for some time, but to actually hear him admit to me the seriousness of his family problems made me realize... they really are issues. He's not just a selfish exaggerator. "I'm up in my bed and I can hear my parents talking shit about me." He really does have problems. He really does have a lot of hurt. I'm sure he brings a lot of it on himself, and he told me he does love his family. He feels like they don't understand him and he's tired of fighting all of the time. He was emotionally drained like I've never experienced anyone. It broke my heart. I said, "Can I tell you something and have you not make fun of me for it?"
"Yeah."
"I will always love you. I might get annoyed and upset with you, and I might talk shit about you, but I will pretty much always love you."
"I know."
Deep, eh? Sounds like an episode of Dawson's Creek, if you ask me. But it was real. It was a moment. It's a lot easier for me to express my emotions, no matter how personal, than it is for him. He just can't do it. But I guess the realization tonight was that Jeffrey has feelings, and I shouldn't take them for granted like I do. Everyone feels misunderstood by their parents, and everyone has conflicts when they're 20 somethings trying to figure out life.
Boy, I can't wait. :) | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I am absolutely terrified of the ladies restrooms at The Ritz Sixteen. Honestly, I've never been in there when anyone else was using the toilets. Not once. I'm always completely alone in there and it gives me the creeps. The stalls are this giant black plastic material, and they stretch the span of the room, floor to ceiling. When you're in there, its not like you can see anything around you. I like to be conscious of the whearabouts of anyone else in the room... it's just a safety precaution. Besides, whats a more vulnerable position then sitting on the tiolet? Exactly. Anyway, I try to spend as little time in there as possible. Luckily I scooted out of there without anyone popping out from a stall and kidnapping me. Phew.
Jeffrey, Brian and I saw the 10 o clock showing of Little Miss Sunshine. It proved to be absolutely without a doubt one of the best new films I have seen this year. Instant classic. I'm glad Steve Carrel can play both dramatic and comedic roles. He's super sweet.
Speaking of dramatic versus comedic, Jarad imed me today and said he'd help me with my monologues at no cost. That makes me extremely happy. He suggested I look at Miranda from The Tempest and Viola/Olivia from Twelfth Night. "Shakespeare is all overdone," he said, "They're looking for the choice of monologue and the choices you made in the monologue." Fair enough. Makes sense. He really wants me to succeed. He's going to find me 5 or so contemporary plays with female monologues and is going to send them to me soon. God, I miss Seussical.
Karen and I are working on songs for my many auditions. O Del Mio Dulce Ardor is an italian classical piece, and How Could I Ever Know and Green Finch and Linnet Bird are ballad-y music theater pieces. I/we're on the hunt for a classical piece in English and an upbeat, possibly belty mt song as well. I'm terrified. That's 2 things I'm terrified of, right there. Dark scary bathrooms, and college auditions. Which is worse?
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs is turning out to be a fantastic read. I'm highlighting passages as I read it.
Queer fact about Sandi: I prefer to only ever highlight with pink highlighter, unless it is absolutely necessary that I use another color, or need a secondary color for specialized highlighting. Pink is my color, and all my old scripts are pinked up. It's comforting to me.
Jeff Berry and Sandi Nary... part 3645 it seems. Jeff Berry and Sandi Nary, Best friends? It seems like it. It's so bizarre. I'll always love him, and he'll always not admit to loving me back. I think I'm okay with that.
This is what the shuffle on iTunes just spit out on me: Motion City Soundtrack, to The Kinks, to Joseph and The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, to Beck, to The Secret Garden. Wow, gotta love me and how no one has a lineup quite like that ;)
Chick Flicks I have rented so far this summer:
Bridget Jones's Diary
Bridget Jones: The Edge Of Reason
Something's Gotta Give
The Goodbye Girl
I'm on a real sappy romantic girly kick. Someone shoot me. Or kiss me. Whichever comes first. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Yesterday, Jeffrey picked me up and along with Brian Simpkins we journeyed to Ocean City. Of course, we missed our exit twice and ended up driving through Atlantic City before we finally arrived to our final destination 2 hours later. We walked the boards and got some lunch at Mack & Manco's (of course). We walked the entire boardwalk, shopped a little, ddr'd a little, and Jeffrey also played some shooter games like Police Trainer and Time Crisis. At about 5:30 we were exhausted, and decided to go for a drive. We ended up driving to my Grandparents' house in Stone Harbor, where my brother and mother were visiting. We crashed there and tried to make a plan for the rest of the evening. We ended up ending the night early, mostly because Brian didn't want to do anything, making me kind of annoyed. All in all it was an interesting trip.
Tonight I have to work, I am not exactly thrilled but having money is a nice touch. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I went through my text messages a few minutes ago and noticed how I had saved messages from 4 young men who have had influence on my young life. In good and bad ways, they have made imprints on me emotionally. The way I'm feeling right now? I'm regretful. I'm nostalgic. I'm perpetually hurt everytime I read some of these fragments of conversation. For example:
"I appreciate our friendship a very great deal too, I hope you know that." December 12th at 12:11 am
Mark Sherlock wrote that, and I believed him. I felt like we had become best friends and remained friends even after a failed attempt at some sort of romantic relationship. Of course I still love(d) this kid. He's Mark. Everyone loves him. Smart, funny, talented, caring, considerate, attractive, witty, but in that reserved way that he doesn't come off cocky at all. I regret not realizing that he had a crush on me when I was dating someone else. I regret not expressing my feelings when I had the chance. I regret deciding to date someone else after he told me he wanted to try things again with Lindsay. I don't know where I'm wrong here. If he's such a nice, perfect guy, then how come when he dates someone else he suddenly cuts off almost all contact to me. No more chinese food runs, no more movies at my house. No more late night trips for swinging at the blue playground. I miss those nights more than anything. We talked about everything on those swings. No matter how awkward our friendship got, when we spoke on those swings I just felt 100% better about the situation. I believed he still cared about me. I believed he felt the connection. We were buds, and I was almost okay with that. But still...how can you respect someone who says one thing and does another? Yes, people do act differently to their friends (and ex's) when they are dating someone new... but he seems to have no idea that I feel I have lost a dear friend and companion to a girl who I think is not only unattractive but also a two faced nasty specimen of human being. I wouldn't be suprised if she asked him not to talk to me. I bet she's intimidated of me. I am not looking forward to her stage managing my senior performances. Not in the least. I feel so heavy right now... emotionally and physically.
The other messages were from Jeffrey. How can one person cause so much frustration and hurt but always convince me to continually give him the benefit of the doubt? I must be absolutely bonkers. The vicious cycle I have gotten myself into is overwhelming. I don't know what the answer is.
I don't know why I saved messages from Jimmy. I don't miss him. I never loved him. I loved being someone's girl.
Michael and I were best friends in Seuss, and now I feel as though he has left me too. I do believe him that he is just awful at staying in touch, but its hard to realize that what lengths I would go to for a friend, particuarly a boy that I cared for, would not be the same lengths someone would go for me. I feel like no one in my life goes to lengths for me. Perhaps people I overlook, like Andrew. But I put faith in the wrong people, and continue to do it over and over for years.
I don't have answers.
So I rented Briget Jones: The Edge Of Reason. Seemed like the right thing to do. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Today Mother and I went to visit Westminster Choir College bright and early. We drove to Princeton and had an interesting time visiting the TINY campus. They claim to have a 100% placement rate for Music Education majors, but I'm not 100% sure that's what I want to do. I'm really terrified. I change my mind every few weeks. Sometimes I want to direct. Sometimes I want to still pursue this Broadway, Musical Theater dream. Sometimes I want to be a highschool music teacher. Sometimes I want to be a theater professor. Sometimes I want to go into politics. I have no clue what direction I will end up in. The frightening thought to me is once I make a decision, will I want to switch after valuable time and money is invested? It's overwhelming, yet at the same time, I have to deal with it. Application season is just around the corner and I have to make up my mind. Wednesday we're visiting Rutgers, which is a polar opposite campus compared to insanely small, shoddy roomed Westminster. Right now, my stomach hurts because of overeating at Famous Dave's Barbeque, and I smell of awful cheap cigar smoke from Dan's house.
We got a new puppy the other day. His name is Beasely and he's a 4 month old Golden Retriever. I didn't know what to think of him yesterday, but I've absolutely fallen in love with him. He adores me... I never really had that connection with an animal, so of course I'm going to love him. He's super clumsy.. we nicnamed him Goofy because his mannerisms resemble Goofy exactly. He runs into things at full speed and can't keep the water in his mouth when he drinks and instead turns the kitchen floor into a pool of slobbery sink water. He's great, although Rosie doesn't think too highly of him.
Josh always walks me out of Dan's apartment and gives me a big hug. Interesting. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Last wednesday the acting class kids performed my play that I both wrote and directed, and things absolutely went off without a hitch. I was so proud and thrilled with the way everything worked out. The parents absolutely enjoyed it and all of my qualms about the material or the young actors were eradicated. It was such a relief and sense of accomplishment after it was all over. Vince gave me a sweet card and a 30 dollar gift certificate to Tower, which I quickly cashed in on Fashion Nugget - Cake, A dual disk B-Sides collection of Belle & Sebastian that I can't remember it's name, and Morning View - Incubus. They all turned out to be good purchases. Other highlights of the week include driving around with Michael while we both sang Godspell at the top of our lungs, and all of the various cast parties. After today's show, we had a pool party at Alana's that was fantastically fun. I was enjoying myself just swimming alone. It was a great feeling. We only have 3 perfomances left and I can't even begin to think about how depressed I'm going to be when I won't be able to see everyone all of the time. It will absolutely break my heart.
I've evolved a lot since age 14. My views on the world have changed, my body, my hair, my taste in music, clothes, and boys. I'd like to think that I've grown up and grown out of and away from old habits. Alas, I can't seem to shake the old habit that is my ex boyfriend. For almost 3 years now we've been dating, then hating each other, then repeating the cycle. He tells me he wants to be friends, then when I decide I do, he has proven time and again to be an abismall companion. He is rude, ignorant, and selfish. I understand why I was so miserable when we were dating. He does not treat me at all the way I should be treated. But why do I constantly put myself through it? Is it possible that I somehow enjoy this pain and frustration? What else can explain why I put up with this boy year after year, after every disappointment. I suppose I don't know what I want from him. Being with him is a security blanket. Talking to him is a security blanket. I keep telling myself to cut myself off, but I am always so tempted to initiate conversation. I'm a caring person. I think and worry about people that perhaps I shouldn't bother thinking twice about. It's a bad habit. I will try harder to break it. He pissed me off pretty badly last night. I will state right here that I DO NOT agree with drugs of any kind. So when a boy who has caused me much heartache and distress for the past 3 years continues to ask me to smoke with him after hearing 3 years worth of angry, bitter no's, I get irritated and upset. The bottom line is that I expect more out of him because I love(d) him. The world doesn't work that way. You can't will people to make good decisions or act the way you wish they would act. I'm no diety.
I find it insane to think that I am a senior. I can't even comprehend this.
"...We'll breed deep trust between us." | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Natalie Imbruglia- Torn | | Time: | 01:31 pm |
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| | Well, for lack of better phraseology, this week royally sucked. I have a stye that makes me look and feel like Sloth from The Goonies, I have colossal cramps, the play I'm directing/wrote goes up in 5 days, a young, beautiful girl is dead, and I'm in love. This is all absolutely, inconcievably dreadful and disgusting. Welcome to the Doldrums, Cassandra Lynn, we've been expecting you. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| You were supposed to have been immortal. That's all they wanted, not much to ask for...
Dear Annemarie,
My mother called me tonight a few minutes after 11 and told me what happened. I was at a show (Gypsy) that my friend Andrew, his sister Laura, and his cousin Lauren had just performed in. I hung up the phone, walked in, and tears started welling up in my eyes. "My friend was killed today" I told them, as I fell into Andrew's open arms. I'm sorry something like this had to happen to you. I have a feeling you would have absolutely loved junior year. All I can think about is that day we had a conversation in the girls bathroom. I can't remember what we talked about... what boys or other girly topic, but we chatted for a good 5 minutes whilst fixing our hair and washing our hands and whatnot. All I can remember is your smile, and the way you always flipped your hair. You were such a sweet girl, and everyone who ever met you knew it. You'd say hi to me in the halls and at track practice and were just a beautiful person. You had so much going for you. You will be terribly missed. I really hope there is a heaven because that's where you deserve to be.
All of my love, wherever you are Annemarie, may you rest in peace,
Your friend,
Cassandra | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Thursday I woke up and almost made it to Rec on time. That's a total lie... I always oversleep and have not made it there on time once. It's awful. I'm not a dependable volunteer, I suppose. I do try, I honestly think I turn off my alarm in my sleep. Crazy stuff. Anyway, I put together most of the cast for my play... which I still have yet to finish. Yikes! I'll get it done, I'm just being an artist and waiting until I have inspiration and energy. It will come. I'm still positive! Friday night's show went very well. The disappointing thing is that the theater critic from the Courier Post, Robert Baxter, LEFT after intermission. He didn't like the show going into it, and we all knew this. But just up and leaving was an extremely rude thing to do. I mean... he gets paid to come see shows. How can he write a review if he hasn't even seen the entire thing? It's not fair and it's seriously bad manners. If he pans us, Joanne, the choreographer, is writing him a nasty letter. Oh well, we all have confidence in this little show. Afterwords we convinced a bunch of people to go to Rexy's and we closed the joint. Just like any other business, networking is very important in theater. Just talking and gleaning insight from these perfomers and all of their different backgrounds not only creates deeper friendships but I find myself learning so much from my castmates. I have found a summer love, and it is my castmates. I guess the term summer love isn't even appropriate, because I know the love I have for them will be eternal and unable to be replaced. I feel so included and cared for... I will be so sad when we all go our seperate ways. Sure, I will see some here and there. Mike is my best friend, so we will most likely stay in contact. (I hope!!!) But there are some I will probably never see again. It's a harsh reality, I suppose.
Tonight's show went very well also. Mike and I went to Nick's cast party at his apartment he shares with Michael Kelly, Melissa Tepp, and Casey, Nick's girlfriend. That must be such a crazy house to live in! I think I'd love that setup... living with a bunch of thespians. There'd always be a party just waiting to happen. It could be a sitcom: A gay, A Jew, and a couple living in the tiniest apartment imaginable in the middle of collingswood. Who woulda thunk it?
Maryann Mckenzie is the best friend I never had growing up. The love I have for this woman is immeasurable.
It's almost 2 am, I should probably get to bed since call is 12:30 tommorow. I hope I'll be able to spend some time witih Tom and Dan tommorow, we shall see.
- Sandi | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Opening weekend was a total blur, but an absolutely fabulously one. Preview night went extremely well. After the show, I went home and later Jeff picked me up and himself, Brian and I went to see the midnight showing of The Pirates Of The Caribbean 2. It was fantastic. I felt such a rush the minute it ended. I absolutely could not contain my joy. It didn't even matter the poor company I was with, that movie was so thoroughly enjoyable. I sat in the back of the car, the cool wind blowing in my hair, and I felt so content. Here I am, living in the moment, enjoying the simple things. I'm part of a cast I love in a great show where I get to perform every weekend, and I just saw a movie that was incredibly entertaining. The company... I don't know. The situation between Jeffrey and I is anything but ordinary. It's so strange... he either ignores me or makes fun of me the entire time we hang out, yet he continues to call me and ask me to hang out with him. I don't know, I'm kind of going with the flow when it comes to boys these days.
So, on to friday. Opening night. Wow. I felt excited the minute I woke up and knew that it was the opening night of my first Ritz production. It's crazy to think of how long I've wanted to break into that theater, and how being in this show has been everything I've wanted to be. I'm absolutely in love with the cast, the show itself. Seriously... when I have a day off I feel lonely and depressed. During those times, I yearn for the day that I can spend a few hours with my family. They are really my family. I am so attached, they never leave my thoughts. That kind of love is good for someone like me, I suppose. Anyway, friday's performance went well, Tommy as Jo-Jo is always very good. The party afterwords was even more fantastic. Mrs. Mckenzie came backstage to tell me how wonderful I was. I love that woman. She told me to go by Cassandra, and as a nickname, "Cassie". I scowled at the idea but laughed about it none the less. She ended up being the bartender of the event, which was extremely amusing. It was nice to hang out with many familiar faces. Towards the end of the night, all of the audience left and only the "ritz family" remained. We ended up having a dance party on the stage. You know, The electric slide, the new electric slide, an interesting rendition of "Thriller" and of course, that old favorite, "Cotton Eyed Joe." It was so incredibly freeing to be dancing up there and making a fool of myself with everyone else doing the same. I felt included, I've always felt included at that theater. This is why I can't give up my dream and choose another profession. I fit amongst theater people. That acceptance that everyone yearns for... that connection with other human beings that is inexplainable, I find it with thespians. It is my life, and the life I choose to lead no matter the hardships I will inevitably face.
Fast forward to now. I drove down to Stone Harbor Sunday afternoon after my perfomance and am down here until tommorow afternoon when I drive back for a brush up rehearsal. I slept over Amanda's that night, and the next day we went to the beach, and later, the boardwalk. It was fun and relaxing. Again, I missed my Seuss family. Tonight I went with Carol, Ron, and Amanda and saw Pirates for the SECOND time. It was still awesome. I can't wait to go a 3rd time with Michael. I can't wait for rehearsal. I CAN wait for the time when the show ends and I go into a deep lonely state of depression. :(
I have to cheer myself up. Tommorow I see everyone!!!! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| It's technically the 4th of July, which for me means the day I have to work at Coldstone, hang out and deal with family, and see Foreigner at Cooper River. I'm hoping I can squeeze a nap in there somewhere, I'm so exhausted. All of my physical and mental energy is completely tied up in Seuss, which opens on Thursday. I'm excited and exhausted and anxious as hell. Tonight after rehearsal, I went out with the older cast members to the Manor in Oaklyn. It's a bar, so we were all worried that I might get carded and thrown out. Luckily, Corinne and I weren't discovered and we could drink our cokes in peace! I had the greatest experience out with these guys. I sat with Jarad, Mike, and Katie, all of whom are theater majors. Mike and Jarad are grad students who know a lot, and Katie is a mt major at NYU Tisch, every mt major's dream school. They gave me tons of insight about college choices, auditions, audition material... coaching... everything I possibly would want to know. I hung onto every word, they were so open and nice to me. They want to help me any way I can. They all really care about what I have to say. The highlight of the night was when Jarad said "I have the perfect monologue for you, no one else will do it and it's PERFECT for you." My eyes lit up, I'm so excited! He said he'd be more than happy to coach me for my auditions.
For a long while I've felt a serious lack of companionship in my life. That feeling has come and gone somewhat, but tonight I truly felt like I was in the company of people who were enjoying my presence, insight, and sense of humor. It's very nice to feel cared for and feel approval from my peers. Twas a good night in the life of Cassandra, as Jarad likes to call me.
Seusssssssss!!! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Yesterday was the first time we ran through the show on set... twas interesting. The who bridge kept moving when we were dancing on it! I can't believe it's only two weeks till we open. It's exciting, it'll be a brand new experience for me. I've never done a show for an audience more than one weekend. It'll be intense but hopefully tons of fun. Tommorow I'm hopefully going to attend Michael's graduation party... that is if I find his house. I won't know anyone... might not be as fun as I thought to be invited.
Coldstone, as much as I may complain, is a pretty sweet job. I get cheap, good ice cream and work with pretty good people. The boss's like me and so do my crewmates. I've made friends and work doesn't seem like work... especially now since Jeff quit. God, he was scary and annoying. *Shudders*
I was a little apprehensive at first about taking AP English. After getting issued The Odyssey, I was pretty freaked out. Would I be able to handle the intense workload senior year? I'm actually a little bit into the novel and I like it. I'm into mythology so the story isn't boring... although the language is a little difficult. We'll see what will happen.
I don't know why Jeffrey calls me to hang out all of the time. I go over there and sit while they play video games or Risk or something else boring that doesn't include me. Why invite someone over if you're just going to ignore them? This puzzles and aggrivates me. grrr! | | comments: Leave a comment |
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